Every year, I reflect on the year past and look toward the new year in hopes of improvement and growth. If I’m honest, and you all know I work hard to be transparent and honest here, I will admit that this year was full of changes. I quit a job I thought I would do forever. I took a job that took me away from my family. I sent my firstborn off to high school. I said goodbye to friends. I stepped out of positions I had been in for years. I wrestled with my identity and finding it in God rather than man. So much for one year.
I would love to say that the changes made this year have been for the good, but I am still in the aftermath of some of the transitions. I’m not sure what is going to happen next. I’ve experienced some deep cuts this year and I’m still licking wounds that haven’t quite yet healed. They are all growing pains, so I know that there is good on the other side, but how those growing pains have made me want to quit.
Last week, I almost succumbed to the urge to quit. I considered giving up on dreaming…hoping…believing. I wanted quit it all. I looked at life without creativity, writing, and expression and worked hard to convince myself that the world would be a better place if I could just be normal, bland, and quiet. If I could find some way to hide and be silent, wouldn’t that just be better for everyone? I allowed myself to believe some old lies that I had not embraced for a long time. I listened to a voice that I had learned to silence. I bought the lie that God made me wrong and I needed to hide who I was to protect those who love me most. What I was really trying to do was hide from some hard decisions we need to make soon. I was trying to hide from discovering what God has for me in this new season.
My husband and mother were a blessing this last week. Their voices shouted louder than the voices that were lying to me. Their voices spoke truth and love. Their voices called God to come and fight for me. Then God reminded me how much He loved me. God reminded me that He didn’t make mistakes. He still didn’t fill me in on what is next in this season, but He reminded me that I’m not alone.
So, here I am. Writing and sharing this experience because I know I am not the only one who struggles with these kinds of moments. And as long as there is just one of you out there who might be encouraged by my chronicling of the weeks events, then I will continue to share my stories. You’re not alone.
Until another confession…