It’s my 40th birthday. I’ve been pretty worked up about it. I’m 40 and what have I done? What do I have to show for my 40 years? It’s been a tussle and I haven’t known how to get through it. Then, my kids walked into the room with my husband last night to do night time prayers. It hit me. I knew it all along, but something in me wouldn’t let me give it full value. I took their faces in my hands (which I’m amazed they allowed me to do) and I looked at my husband and said “This. This is what I have spent my life doing.”
I spent my first 20 years, being wounded deeply. I spent time working hard to allow God to prepare my heart to love again. I spent time learning how to be a good wife and mother despite the deep wounds that typically predicted my failure at both roles. I spent the next 20 years working hard to put into practice those things God has taught me. God gave me a good man with a good heart for Him. God gave us a strong young man and woman with whom we are honored to walk this faith journey. We have the awesome privilege to be the historians of their lives. I’ve poured my life into this family. Some days I poured willingly, some days I poured begrudgingly. Some days there was good quality to pour, some days there was nothing of value. However, I poured to the best of my ability and God continues to cover it all.
Forty years have been a gift. They have been hard, beautiful, painful, wonderful, devastating, and pure joy. God has been good. God has been faithful. God has never let me down, even though there have been moments I have allowed myself to believe He had. As I look back on all the dark moments of my life I can see where God’s love shone through, like a sole beam of light in a pitch black room, His love was there to guide me and keep me moving forward. I am nothing without Him.
I’m looking forward to the next season and what God has in store for me.
Until another confession…