Confession…I’ve been worrying a lot lately. I know you’re going to tell me I need to trust God more and pray more and spend more time in my Bible. I know this. I’m doing those things. The worry thing…It’s happening anyway. I’ve been wracking my brain lately asking God to open the door that is hiding this deep seated fear I keep trying to outrun. I need an answer. I’m ready to look it in the eye and come to terms with it.
I feel like I’ve been running from this fear my whole life. I never really know what I am afraid of, I just know I am afraid. It drives me to be more and to work harder and to move faster. It drives me. I’m tired. I’m getting older and I don’t think I have the energy, let alone the will, to keep running. I’ve gotten slower and it’s catching up to me.
I’ve tried to convince myself the fear isn’t there. I’ve tried to tell myself I’m being paranoid, but the older I get the more I realize I’m the only one who believes the lies I tell myself. You and I both know that I’ve got to keep it real here. Finally, I’ve got an answer and I am shocked at the simplicity of my fear. So here it is…
Confession…I fear I am not enough. I fear I am not smart enough. I fear I am not strong enough. I fear I am not loving enough. I fear I am not skinny enough. I fear I am not tall enough. I fear I am not enough….ENOUGH! I want to be enough. I want to be enough for my husband. I want to be enough for my kids. I want to be enough for my family and friends. I want to be enough for my community. And the funny thing is that anyone of these people in my life would say I am enough. They are amazing like that. God has blessed me with amazing people. Still, that stupid lie whispers in my head “Are you enough?” It drives me to do all of the crazy things you all witness. It makes me question everything about myself. It makes me drive myself insane trying to be enough. And am I enough with all of that effort I put into being enough…am I enough? Well, am I?
I’m not. Without God, I am not enough. But here’s the Good News, it is covered by God’s enormous love and grace. On my own…I AM NOT ENOUGH! God alone makes me enough. I don’t need to be more so people will think I am enough. I don’t need to do more so people will tell me I have done enough. I don’t need to change who I am so I can be viewed as enough. I am enough and God makes me enough. End of story.
I’d love to tell you that this great epiphany will lead me to worry less. I’d love to tell you that, but you and I both know I’ll meet this fear again. The funny thing about fear is the more you learn about it, the more you study it, the more you compare it to the grandness of God…the less scary it becomes.
Until another confession.