Confession…I don’t like blogging about my past, but as go through my past journals I realize it might be something I need to do. It might be helpful to someone who is going through some of the same things I went through. So here we go.
Recently I went through my journals from 2005, and I came across a few entries that I had forgotten were there. Here is the first.
God does these awesome things for us and we’re so busy feeling sorry for ourselves or pouting that we miss it and lose the impact of it. We are unable to see the greatness and grandness of what God has done. We are so silly! We’re pouting about what we didn’t get and we’re missing out on the opportunities in front of us because we are pouting.
During this period of my life, I was allowing my past assault to be my focus and spending a lot of time being angry with God that He would allow such a thing. I was afraid of everyone and everything. Fear ruled me and I allowed it to rule. People would tell me that they understood the fear. I had every right to be afraid. Based on my past assault, it was a normal response. Few challenged my behavior because they knew the pain I had experienced was deep. However, I was missing out on a husband, with whom God had chosen to bless me. A husband who loved me and wanted to walk with me despite my brokenness. I was missing out on kids who were happy and healthy and safe and wanted me to engage in their lives. I was missing out on the joy of the present and choosing to stay angry and live in the pain of my past.
I’ll be honest, I never really felt like I wanted to emerge from that fear and pain. I wanted to stay in it. However, God made it very uncomfortable for me to stay there (that is another story for another day). I had to choose, with His help and strength, to move beyond that fear and pain.
Here is the next entry.
God, it is hard to imagine that you are in control of my whole life. It’s hard to imagine that all I am is on purpose and not some accident that has happened by chance. Right now, my priority is loving my husband and raising my kids in a godly manner. I feel so ill-equipped. I really need your help. I need your help to be bold. I need your strength to be courageous. I need your help to continue when I wan to quit. I NEED YOUR HELP!
He has been there to provide the help. ALWAYS. It hasn’t been easy, but God has been faithful to keep me moving forward when I want to quit.
So what is my point? I say this with all of the love in my heart, from the Great Healer of broken hearts and lives. From one overcoming victim to another…We are not entitled to sin because of sin committed against us. We are responsible for our behavior. I say this because I have had to embrace this truth for myself. I used my pain to sin against those I loved. I sinned against my husband by not being a godly help meet. I sinned against my children by not being a godly mother. None of that was their doing, but they were made to pay the price. It isn’t the life God intended for me or you. He has such fullness for us, if only we would chose to move beyond the fear and pain. It is a choice. You will not want to make it, but it must be done. You do not have to do it alone. God promises to be there. This will be a first step, but it is a crucial first step. I invite you to make it.