Confession…I am avoiding asking God question. I spent a good amount of time this week thinking about what will come next for me. I know I’m supposed to ask God but I’m not so sure I am ready to hear the answer.
The first part of my life was committed to learning normal kids stuff: Math, English, Science, social customs, and etiquette. The next part of my life has been devoted to learning how to be a godly wife and mother. It’s been a great experience. It has not always been easy to learn the lessons but I’m glad I am provided the opportunity to learn. My whole life has been an experience in falling in love with a BIG God and that has truly been the ride of a lifetime!
As I look at the last chunk of my life, I’m left thinking about the future and what it holds. During the first 10 years of our parenthood, we did a lot of hands on teaching. We held them. They depended on us to move them from one location to the next. Then, we held their hands as they navigated walking and eventually running. Next, it has been standing beside them as they learn to ride a bike or sitting next to them as they do homework and study. Reminding them that they are capable, and encouraging them to keep trying until they succeed. More recently, it has been providing our presence in the room so they know we are available to them should they have questions. The kids still need us, but they need us in a different way and we find that we are coaches in their lives. They are learning how to do things without us. They are learning how to become independent. They are learning how walk away from us. They always walk right back and ask for our opinion on how they are progressing. We begin to realize that the next lesson will be, to teach them how to trust the Holy Spirit’s prompting, because we won’t always be there to give them feedback. It’s going so quickly…this parenthood time.
It is during this time, that I find I have some time to ask God what He wants me to do with myself. I, to my shame, have been procrastinating on actually asking the question. I dreamed of doing many things before I had a family. I chose not to pursue some of those things because I wanted the family. I wanted to be an at home mother. I wanted to pick kids up from school and volunteer with their school. I wanted to bake and cook and be domestic, and I did those things. I find now, that God is asking me to revisit those things I once dreamed of doing and I am scared. I know me. I tend to go all in to whatever I do. I lose focus, I become unbalanced, I make important people in my life feel unimportant. I don’t want to do that. I want to keep doing what I know how to do. I want to stay comfortable. Ugh…that is never a good thing. Staying comfortable for me, means not growing.
So, I’ll ask the question. I’ll explore those old dreams. I’m not sure what God wants to do with them, but I know He’s always been good. I know He’s never failed me. I know He’s never let me down. I know He’s never given up on me. I will choose to trust Him and His prompting.
Until another confession…