Confession…I’ve been hiding this week. I’ve been playing small. I’ve been laying low in an attempt not to attract attention. I’m not sure how long I was planning on doing that, but hiding out is what I have been doing. It stops now.
Lately, I’ve been waking up, stumbling out to the living room half asleep, pulling out my Bible and journal, and powering up my computer. It’s been a beautiful part of my day. I love to read and journal, and I love to write about what God is doing in my life. Up until a few weeks ago, I’d been complaining that I didn’t get to write because I lacked time. Waking up 45 minutes earlier bought me some time.
However, this week was rough. I had lots of random intense things happen that required ALL of the emotion I could have imagined would go into one week. Anger…scratch that..RAGE…fear…joy…sadness…courage…compassion. Now, because my week included lots of elements, I won’t go into the details here, but I will tell you that I wanted so badly to be invisible this week. I wanted to be small. I wanted to go unnoticed. Sometimes, I feel like there is a cost associated with being me, and this week I didn’t want to pay the cost. I just wanted to be invisible. And then…there was a shirt.
My mom bought me a shirt recently and I had been postponing wearing it. When she told me about the shirt, I wanted it. It made me smile just thinking about the shirt. The shirt simply says…BE AMAZING. It’s something I say to my kids daily as they leave the truck…don’t be afraid to be amazing! They groan, because they realize their friends can hear me. Let’s be honest, my voice carries. If you don’t hear me you are simply hard of hearing. But this week, I didn’t feel amazing. I felt small and anything but amazing. Wednesday I had a day ahead of me that I knew would just not go my way…so I wore the shirt. BE AMAZING!
Wednesday did not go my way and I was tempted to run away and shut down. I did for a little while, but as the day wore on I realized I was sick of being small. I was tired of being un-amazing. I was tired of trying to go unnoticed. That isn’t who God created me to be. My kids are watching. They see me respond to all of these things and I don’t want to communicate to them that we ought to diminish ourselves because others are not okay with who we are. No! God isn’t glorified by that.
So, I am going to keep moving forward. I am gong to keep paying the cost of being me. I’ll get criticized and scolded and sometimes attacked, but I will continue to keep being the person God has created me to be. I won’t be afraid to be amazing. And watch out, because you haven’t seen anything yet!
I leave you with my favorite quote…until another confession…
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.