Confession…my two week vacation is almost over and I kind of don’t want to go back to work. But not because I hate my job…I really enjoy what I do, but I love being home with my kiddos. I don’t want to be at school without them. I enjoy being with them! BUT confession #2…that wasn’t always the case.
As a new mom, I struggled to adjust to the new demands a child can bring. I did not get the intuitive thing! My kids cried, I had no idea why. The crying, I did not understand it. The needing me to be there with them all the time…I didn’t get it! Why did they want me? I wasn’t all that great! lol Even thinking about it now makes me laugh. I was such a selfish young woman. I had no idea what I was doing.
About 5 years into the fiasco, (yes I said 5 years) I started to realize that maybe I was missing the point. I was selfish! Then began the downward spiral of self talk that only a young mother can throw at herself. You are messing up your kids. They are going to hate you. You are screwing them up. They are going to write books about your horridness! (The red line under that word tells me I just made up that word, but it fits) Oh my! How my children survived, only the grace of God can be the answer!
I learned something in those early years of parenting that will keep me going when the kids are in the middle of full blown fits of rage, temper tantrums, puberty, and hormones.You see, parenting isn’t about me or you and how good we can be or how well we do the job. Parenting, as a Christ-follower, is about pointing the kids back to God. He created them wonderfully and amazingly. I didn’t do that. I act as a conduit of God’s love. A conduit, according to Merriam’s dictionary, is a natural or artificial channel through which something is conveyed. I channeled life through my body to theirs during pregnancy. I channeled nourishment through my body during breast-feeding. I finally realized that I was also to channel God’s love to their hearts through my everyday life. Sounds easy right? NO! It’s hard. It’s hard to be present and watch them struggle with things and allow them to struggle so they can learn. It’s hard to be asked questions I have no answers to. It’s hard to know that life will hit them hard and there is nothing I can do to prevent it! It’s easier to hide from them in a book or a movie or activity. It doesn’t require as much thought or energy. BUT God promises to give me the strength to face them, questions, stories, fits, attitudes, experiences and all! He promises to walk with me and guide me and lead me. He promises to be there.
Part of me wishes I could go back and do it again. Do it better. I wish it had not taken me so long to get to the mindset. Part of me knows, this is part of our story and God has been faithful to protect their hearts. I still struggle with that from time to time. However, ALL of me knows, God will be the hero of their stories, just as He continues to be the hero of my story.
So, fellow mothers, hang in there. Show them God’s love. Do the work. Love the kids. God is big enough to get the job done. You don’t have to do it alone, He’s with you. He will be the hero of your story and He will be the hero in your kid’s story too.
Until the next confession…