Confession…with the new season brings new insecurities! I knew it would happen but I just wasn’t prepared for what they would be. I thought right off the bat we’d have to get into a new routine, a new system, a new schedule and that would cause conflict or miscommunication. Nope. That wasn’t it at all.
The past two years, John and I have been tag teaming on parenting, housekeeping, marriage, EVERYTHING! We are rarely in the same place at the same time. AND if we are in the same place at the same time we are busy working. So, while we have continued to have conversations about what needs to be done, how it can be most productive, and what the priority things are, we haven’t really just had time to hang out for extended periods of time. I’ve really missed that luxury.
So you’d think I would be super excited to have him coming home every night so we could hang out together. I was! or so I thought. Last night I felt myself a little anxious and I began to busy myself. It’s a habit I apparently developed over the past couple of years. When the door of my mind begins to be knocked on by thoughts that would love to be entertained, I go to work on dishes, cleaning, laundry, anything in an effort to busy myself while I pray through the knocking. The thoughts have no merit. They come to tell me how much I suck, or what a bad job I am doing…you know the thoughts, right? There is no point in opening the door to such impolite guests. Well, last night, my friend was home. So when the thoughts came a knocking on the door of my mind, I peeked out the window and guess what I saw? A fear! I opened the door. Fear isn’t something I ignore. Fear needs to be identified and exposed so that it can lose it’s power compared to the awesomeness of my God. After I spoke with it for a moment I laughed at myself. I bet you are wondering what the fear was…ready?
John has not been able to spend much time with me lately, and I feel like I have changed during the time we’ve been in this season. What if he doesn’t like how I’ve changed? What if he forgot how annoying I can be on a day to day basis. I mean I can be down right frustrating! I’ve been a little stressed and tired and sometimes lazy. What if he sees how my parenting without him has evolved and feels I’ve done a poor job! All this time he’s been thinking how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could be home with me and NOW he’s home and what if he realizes he liked it much better when he was gone!
Now, all this is going on in my head. So John, my best friend, seeing something is going in my brain, asks “What’s up?” and here’s what comes out…
I LOOK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU ARE SO FAR AWAY!
Of course, I shared the rest with him and we both had a good laugh. I did, however, learn something about myself last night. I have a BIG GOD! While my friend has not been home with me, my GOD has been home with me leading and guiding and directing my footsteps. I know my friend has been praying for me and God has been faithful to answer. I am so silly to think I have been doing it on my own, I haven’t. God has been with me every step of the way, carrying me most times as I throw fits, or get tired and weary. But I am glad God has arranged for my friend to be home again.
Until the next confession…