Confession…I am all out of confessions that make any sense at this point.
I am reflecting over the last year and realizing that God has taken our life and turned it upside down, inside out and backwards.
I am now a full time working person. (I still don’t know how I feel about that.) I know God has called me to the workplace in which I now spend 8 hours of my day. I know that if it were any other place I might not be there. I know that I am in the same building as my children and I get to have my finger on the pulse of their day. It is a rare opportunity as a parent and one I have had to work to keep in balance so as not to give into the helicopter mom behaviors to which I am prone.
My husband spent the last year traveling…ALOT! We did what we needed to do as a family and we made the best of the situation. God provided for us financially and after a year of that God offered another means of provision that kept my precious man closer to home, to his children, and to ME!
We did lots of firsts without Dad this year. I don’t believe the seconds will be any easier, but we will continue to move through that grief.
We said goodbye to the old Whitby place and have christened a new Whitby home, all before Christmas.
I struggle to define what I am thinking or feeling lately. Am I sad, am I happy, am I disappointed, am I angry? Do I feel a sense of loss over our home, do I feel a sense of accomplishment over the new jobs? Honestly, I think I feel all of those things. However, I feel a little selfish if I indulge in those feelings for too long.
I have friends that are losing loved ones this holiday season. I have family that is spending their first holiday season without a significant loved one. I know people who are slowly losing those they love to illness. I know people who are desperate for a savior they know nothing about. This world is broken. We are a broken people. We all are suffering in one way or another. Yes it is important to acknowledge those feelings and take them to God and allow Him to help us sort through them in a godly way. But what about those who don’t have a personal relationship with God? What do they do? I find myself thinking about this quite often. How do I, as a child of God respond to their need?
I realize these are heavy questions for a holiday break, but I honestly think I’ve made too much of myself in my lifetime. My suffering, my pain, my loss, my hurt. My mom said it best the other day and it prompted my thoughts in this direction…We are all going through something. We are all hurting in one way or another.
I think it is time for me to lift up my eyes and look around. It’s time for me to stop making so much of me and start making much of God’s love.
Until another confession…