Confession for the week…I’ve unleashed a plethora of thoughts and I’m finding it difficult to keep up.
When I first posted about Changing Lifestyle I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had researched the plan for two weeks trying to decide if this was something I could do long term. Then I spent another two weeks trying to decide if I really wanted to move forward with this plan. I didn’t. However, I also knew I couldn’t keep saying I wanted to be fit and continue to choose not to make a diet change.
I have no problem getting to the gym anymore. That battle is being won on a consistent basis. Getting to the gym was the most difficult thing for me. I hated walking in with my wiggly jiggly self and bouncing around on the treadmill or elliptical. I just knew that anyone who was behind me was watching the fat bounce mercilessly up and down and to and fro and wondering why I had subjected them to such torture. I still struggle with those thoughts but these days, I imagine that the person behind me is commending me for my courage and silently cheering me on.
However, just getting to the gym won’t solve the problem I’ve got. I’ve got to eat differently. Starting this plan, I knew I would encounter some eating “issues” but I had no idea I would make some of the revelations I have made in the past week and a half. Holy guacamole Batman! (Guacamole? Yummy! FOCUS!)
Revelation #1 (and I’ll only do one because that’s all I can handle right now), I don’t know when I have ever just eaten for nutrition sake. I eat to “feel”. I get up in the morning and I want to eat something that makes me “feel” better to be awake. I come home from work, I want to eat something that “feels” rewarding for my day’s effort. I sit down for dinner, depending on the day, I want to eat something that “feels” comforting from the days stresses. I sit down at night before bed and I want to eat something that “feels” sweet so I can “feel” like I have been rewarded for putting up with the whole day. When did that happen? I turned food into my savior and my savior is making me sick! The INSANE thing is I eat more food to make me “feel” healthy and make some of the most ridiculous choices! Gees! Eating the past week and a half has not “felt” great. I am not gonna lie and say I love eating these foods. I kinda don’t. However, my relationship with food is changing. I aim to eat to be nourished. I aim to eat to obtain fuel. I don’t aim to eat to “feel”. That has brought on a whole new set of “issues” but that is for another day and another post.
Until the next confession….