Confession…I’ve been angry for six months now. I have been trying to tell myself it isn’t so. However, when you ask the Holy Spirit to show you why your heart has become hard, and He shows you your anger, you kinda have to listen.
Sigh. I don’t like my negative emotions. I lived with them for nearly 30 years of my life. I embraced them like a security blanket. I fed off of them and used them for protection and comfort. I once heard someone say, when you are damaged in life you either take on the weaker or stronger emotions as a safety mechanism. I definitely took on the stronger emotions. They gave me power (ding ding that’s one of my idols isn’t it?) and they kept me from being hurt. Yes, lies all of them I know but they were kinda working for a while…right? I know, LIE! The point is, once I decided what the damage can be with the anger I started working really hard to control it (wait isn’t that another idol?). I apparently went to the other extreme. I’ve tried to convince myself that anger isn’t something I really need. It’s a bad emotion and we should avoid it at all costs. However, when your neck is stiff, your temper is flaring, and your chest keeps growing tight on you, you have to admit that something about your method isn’t working.
Sigh. The Bible says to be angry and sin not. So I have to believe that anger isn’t entirely a bad thing. What we do with our anger can or cannot be the bad thing. Truth be told, my anger isn’t flippant or irrational. It is normal and probably signalling something that needs to be submitted to God for consideration. Worry not, I am doing that. The point is though, I’ve been angry and I’ve allowed it to make my heart hard. I wasn’t raging all over anyone and I wasn’t even acknowledging it’s presence, but it has been there. It’s presence has caused my heart to grow hard. That isn’t who I’m trying to be.
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.
Ezekiel 36:25 – 27 has always struck a chord in me and I am encouraged to continually bring my heart to God for examination I realize that there is still stone in my heart. I want to have that heart of flesh. I must remember, however, that a flesh heart can be hurt and wounded. A flesh heart isn’t as impenetrable as the stone heart. I’m going to have to surrender my idols and submit them to the authority of my God.
So why am I confessing all of this? Because sometimes we need to submit our hearts to God for examination. I had been fearing what He would find. But now that we’ve done it, I’m relieved. How long has it been since you submitted to a heart check? Please, I encourage you, don’t wait six months. It’s just stupid.
Until my next confession…