Broken Silence

Confession #1…I have stopped journalling.

Confession #2…I missed it so intensely that I find myself journalling at an odd time of day, with odd music, and an odd pen. (This is an entry from my notebook journal.)

I’ve believed this lie for 28 days…No one really wants to have what you have to say. And you know what…it may be true. There may be no one who wants to hear what I have to say. BUT I want to write! And so, I do.

Writing is an outlet for me. It always has been. My poor mother had the misfortune to find my journal entries when I was growing up and I’m sure she had to wonder what in the world was going on in my chaotic brain. I believe she understands my writing more than anyone, other than my husband.

Shifting gears…They say death comes in 3’s and it feels so incredibly true right now. I don’t usually put any credence in sayings like these and I don’t believe this one to be true, but it sure feels true. I’ve seen too much death in the past 3 months. I’ve experienced the loss of the only man I will know as father, I’ve watched a young daughter lose her mother, and I’ve watched a mother and sister lose their son and brother. It’s too much death.

My refusal to journal or blog has been my vain attempt to avoid processing through the devastating pain life carries. There’s no way to avoid it. Life carries joy and sadness  and we must process through to honor the memory of those we have lost.

I’m reminded of Psalms 23 1-4

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;  your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Sometimes it feels like we’re walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and I’ll tell you, I fight to “fear no evil”. It’s easy to get bitter and hard of heart when pain is present. It’s a battle to remember that God is with me. It’s a battle to allow His rod and His staff to comfort me. It is the last thing I wish to do, but I know that the alternative is a bitter and hard heart. I’ve already had one of those and it’s an ugly thing to live with. It’s a challenge to run to God with this pain, but I’m always up for a challenge. Here I come God…

Until another confession…

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