Confession: My life has not reflected fully my belief in the gospel.
God loves me. He loves me so much He sent His son to accept the consequences of my sin. He then transferred that payment to my life and I can now live as one who no longer lives with the consequence still to be paid but paid in full. I am free from the effects of sin on my life.
So why don’t I live as a freed person? I live as one who is bound to the effects of sin. I live as one who cannot break free. This issue of “food” is one of the areas in which I’ve been working to regain my freedom. The silly thing is, I am already free. I can walk in freedom now. Therein lays the struggle. Freedom sounds easy and carefree, but it comes at a high price. I must be willing to exchange my pride and ego for the freedom. I must be willing to walk away from my “captor”, so to speak, in order to be free. I must quiet the fears and insecurities I have clung to for so long. I must no longer accept them as reality. I must replace them with truth.
The truth is hard for me to believe. I don’t believe it is merely an issue for people with “addictions” I believe it is the human condition. We just manifest our struggles in various ways. Some of us hide our struggle better than others,but let’s be honest folks, WE ARE ALL STRUGGLING! I struggle to believe God’s truth about me so I shove food into my mouth. Tim Chester writes of the Four G’s. God is great so I don’t have to be in control. God is glorious so I don’t have to fear others. God is good so I don’t have to look elsewhere. God is gracious so I don’t have to prove myself. I was pondering these points and began to apply them to this specific area of my life. I struggle to believe that God is great so I don’t have to be in control. So when I lose control in my life I turn to food to calm my anxious heart and stabilize my mental state. I struggle to believe that God is glorious so I don’t have to fear others. So when I am insecure I begin to degrade myself for my physical appearance. This creates a feeling of hopelessness and impossibility and I finally give into the captor of my heart. I struggle to believe that God is glorious so I don’t’ have to look elsewhere. So I am constantly looking to food to fill the emptiness that I often feel. I struggle to believe that God is good so I don’t’ have to prove myself. So when I have a successful moment I reward myself with food and when I fail I sooth my heart with food. I believe I make a conscious choice to worship myself every time I choose not to believe that God is God. WOW! I do not like looking at this one little bit!
It makes eating a lot more complicated these days. When did food become my method of worship? It is meant to be a means of nutritional intake. I am warped in my thinking. As I process through it more, I am finding some freedom. The freedom is expensive and comes at a high price to my pride. However, that price is small in comparison to the price Jesus paid for me on the cross. That’s my attempt to see my “food issue” through the lens of the gospel.
Sidenote: I’ve lost 4 pounds so far and I feel great. My first thought is to reward myself with icecream and cake. I haven’t done that but it shows me I still have some work to do.
Until another confession…