It’s time for me to make the confession of my lifetime! I cannot change. WOW! That was hard to type and even harder not to delete. I’ve grown up in church and so there is a deep seated idea that eventually I can change. The sad part is along with that idea comes the lie that I can change myself apart from God and with some extra effort on my part. It am starting to think I am seriously wrong.
We just finished reading a book titled “You Can Change” by Tim Chester. It took me two weeks to get through the first two chapters, until I finally decided to plow through and see what his idea of me changing was. I have to warn you…God is wrecking my life with this book. I’m a highlighter fiend so I know it’s bad when I read the second paragraph and the highlighter comes out to work. The words that have been running through my mind the past month is “We all want to change in some way. Some of these changes are good, others not so good. But the problem with all of them is that they’re not ambitious enough. God offers us something more – much, much more!” Heck! I thought I was being ambitious just trying to change, but to find out that maybe my ambitions are too small…my mind is blown away. And I can’t even change the small things in my life…how in the blazes am I going to change the bigger things in my life?!
I have several areas of my life where I am trying to make true change and find true freedom. I’ve been failing and I’ve been frustrated. I start to feel like it will never happen and even worse, it seems as though I am really not capable of change. The reality is…I’m not capable! I cannot change! I do not have the ability to change! I CAN NOT DO IT! BUT…God can! He can change my heart. Sure it’s going to take cooperation on my part, but He changes my heart. The only thing He needs from me is obedience. That’s going to be a challenge.
We were asked to pick a change project while reading through the book and anyone who read the book can tell you, you start off with one change project and by the end of the book you have a completely different project. Mine was humbling, as I’m sure yours will be too. I am broken by what I see in myself. I am one messed up little person who’s thought turn completely to myself. I’m not broken in a hopeless or despairing way, I am broken in a way that I believe will make me more like the awesome God I serve. I’ll probably post a few more times about what I’m learning so if you’re not interested I understand, but sakes alive God is changing my heart. It’s a good thing, because I was really getting tired doing it on my own. And honestly, I haven’t been terribly good at it. And I dare to admit, some of you have been praying for something to change in my heart…ha! God is answering your prayer and I KNOW He will get His way in us all who choose to walk the faith journey.
until another confession…