I shared a meal with a girlfriend this week and it was great time of flesh challenging and faith building. Ladies, if you don’t have a friend that does that with you…CALL ME! You need that in your life. We’ve been building this friendship for a while but recently it has become a iron sharpening iron kind of relationship. It’s a godsend.
We spoke of motherhood and the dreams and ambitions we had for ourselves. I laughed as I recalled mine to her. Here’s my confession for the day: I was going to be the next Beth Moore or the next Joyce Meyer. I was going to change the world in front of millions of people. Now, that ambition, in itself, isn’t a bad ambition to have. The motive behind my desire was wrong. I’d like to tell you that it was so that God could get the glory and so that I could point millions of people back to God. However, I’m not so sure that was it.
Detour, we’ll get back to the point, I promise. The Revolutionaries are going through James. This week’s reading has addressed the desires of our heart and how they lead us one way or another. As I read today, a thought struck me and I must share it with you. I’m sure you all got this idea a long time ago so bear with me. Today I reread two verses and realized I sin because of my desires. My desire to be comfortable, my desire to be loved, my desire to be in control, my desire to have power. In and of themselves those things are not wrong, but how they play out in my life can be the difference between sin and obedience. James says this:
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. ~Jame 1:14-15
I am enticed by my desire. STOP! I realize that in order to make the most out of this opportunity I’m going to have to examine my desire. I’m going to have to find out a little more about this desire before I make my next move. Which leads me to understand that my desires are for the most part pretty self-serving. I desire to be comfortable, so I might choose to sit on the couch with a blanket and watch TV all day in search of my comfort. I’m thinking after a couple of days of that…we might start getting into the sin region. If I desire to be loved I might be willing to compromise my values and beliefs in pursuit of that love. You see where I’m going with this. So what am I supposed to do?! The next verse speaks of this:
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth bythe word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures. ~James 1:16-18
God wants to give us good and perfect gifts. I wondered what kind of gifts God would want to give me and what it is that He desires for us. What is it that HE wants for me. And then a verse came to my memory.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. ~Psalms 51:6
The word can be used as delight or desire. This verse was written by David after his desire led him to murder Uriah and commit adultery with Bathsheba, actually it was the other way around. He knew he was wrong, but he also knew that God desired truth from David about his sin. Psalms 51 is his confession of that sin. Which led me to think that maybe TRUTH is the answer. God desires truth for us. He desires us to be honest with Him about who we are. He already knows, but what a difference it makes when we know it. Truth in the inward being. Truth about the core of who I am, as flawed as that may be.
So back to my point, as I embarked on my journey as a mother, I realized it was hard work and there was no glory in it. Being a mother isn’t glamorous. Being a wife isn’t glamorous. My desire to be a great speaker to millions of people was born out a desire to be noticed. It was born out of a desire to have people stand in amazement at how far I had come. I wanted people to marvel at how brave, strong, and godly I was. There was nothing in me that wanted God to get famous out of the situation. As I’ve settled into my role as a mother, I realize I have nothing to say that is new. However, the gift of motherhood and wifedom has brought about good and perfecting things in my life. I am pursuing truth in my inward parts and discovering who I am and how flawed I am and that has brought about a peace about my current roles. As I embrace that truth I am gaining wisdom. I don’t know what the future holds for this crazy girl from the hood but I know that I can rest assured that whatever it is, will be a good and perfect gift from God.