Not There Yet, but Not Where I Was

12Not that I have already  obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

What lies behind? My past. My mistakes. My moments, no hours maybe days of selfishness and self consideration.  The me I was.

What lies ahead? The promise that God can change this selfish heart (and yes it is selfish) into a heart that can sympathize and feel for the pain of others.  One who can look to the best interest of those around and not merely to my own interests.  Selflessness and pure generosity.

What is the goal? A life of meaning.  A life that points to God and says…See, He’s real.  If He can make something out of this chaotic life of mine, surely He can do it for you.

I’m not in either one of those places.  I’m stuck in the middle.  And today I’m feeling the stuckness of it.  It’s frustrating.  Those are the days I want to just mentally check out.  You know what I’m talking about.  That kind of day where you want to pull out a coloring book and make life about the crayons and Barbie coloring book.  Simple ideas and pointless thoughts.

However, my faith encourages me to keep moving forward.  Press on to the goal.  The Pastor Man posed a question: What will people say at your funeral?  It is a good thought and one that keeps me moving forward.  I want people to look at my life and know that there is a God.  When they hear my story, when they hear the details of my life I want people to know that God is real and my life is proof.  I’m not there yet.  But I am at a crucial moment of my life.  It’s that moment where you know you will look back and either be proud or ashamed of the steps you took.  Today that idea of having my life mean something for God is just not enough.  I don’t like those days.  I struggle to fight harder against the voices in my head. (Yes I hear voices and no I won’t take meds for it.)  But in all seriousness, I’m pushing forward to hear God’s voice cheering me on.

This post feels more like a ramble, and it is what it is.  But you know what the kicker is, I know that God can get me through.  I know this with every fiber of my being.  So the part of me that wants to sit down and quit, the part of me that wants to just check out and leave the legacy building for someone else, can’t do it with any kind of peace and quiet.  I do think I may stop for a minute and cry.  I’m pretty sure God will allow me that luxury.  I’ll be back on my way again in a minute.

 

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